So you want to be a leader in Nigeria? Fantastic. Here’s your foolproof guide:

Step 1: Promise Heaven, Deliver Dust.

Before elections, swear that you will turn sachet water into bottled water for free. After elections, blame the last government for the shortage of rain.

Step 2: Hold Meetings. Lots of Them.

Call endless strategic meetings with long titles like “National Committee on Committee Planning for Development Planning”. Outcome? Snacks.

Step 3: Travel Abroad Frequently.

You must represent Nigeria internationally. Even if it’s for the opening of a shoe store in Canada.

Step 4: Build a Giant Billboard.

Make sure it says, “This Road Is Under Construction” for 4 years. That is progress.

Step 5: When Criticized, Play the Ethnic Card.

They’re not attacking your failure. No! It’s because you’re from Zone B. Use that to confuse your followers.

All jokes aside—real leadership is rare because it is hard. But when we find it, we know. Let’s stop celebrating titles and start demanding results.